


The Wall

by Star4545



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Late Night Conversations, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 03:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9415631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star4545/pseuds/Star4545
Summary: The Wall between Dan and Phil's rooms was thin. Thin enough to hear everything, especially things said in the middle of the night.





	

Dan and Phil can hear everything. The wall between their bedrooms is incredibly thin, allowing them to hear whatever the other person is saying. They normally tune into listening to each other late at night, when thoughts about the future and life seem almost normal. Dan can hear Phil's small mumbling of past events that happened that day be recalled through the wall. Phil can hear Dan's thoughts about death and his future. It was almost normal for them to fall asleep to each other's quiet mumbling. Though they never talk about it. Dan would never mention how Phil doubted himself to no end. Dan would constantly hear through the wall words of self-doubt. Phil thinks he isn't good enough and though Dan should confront him, he doesn't. Phil would never mention Dan's thoughts about his future. How Dan thinks the YouTube thing will end sometime soon. Phil would never confront Dan about the crying he sometimes heard.

Talking was not the only thing heard through these walls. Anything from phone conversations to comments being made while reading books (Dan loved Phil's late night commentary on _Ready Player One)._ Then of course, there were the more obscene things. As both of them are young males with no romantic interests at the moment, they sometimes had to release. Often late at night. Though they tried to be quiet and discreet, it was quite difficult to not hear. This would cause a domino effect. One of them would start, the other would hear and get hard causing them to try and maneuver their way quietly to the bathroom. The one making their way to the bathroom because they couldn't just jerk off in their own room because then the other would hear. And though they tried to be quiet while making their way to the bathroom for a little release themselves, the other always heard the small padding of footstep going down the hall. It caused satisfaction in the two of them. The fun little game that would have never existed if the walls weren't so thin. They again don't talk about it.

It was one night, both of them in their own worlds. Phil was in the middle of reading a novel one of his friends suggested and Dan was thinking of some new video ideas. They would never talk to each other through the wall, as this was their private time but Dan had come up with an idea Phil practically liked and knocked on the wall. Dan jumped, startled by it and he hears Phil's laugh resonate.

"I like that idea!" And there Phil went. Breaking the barrier, the rule they had subtly agreed on. Nothing heard through the wall, leaves the wall. Dan sits there, not responding. His eyes fixated on his phone which holds the idea.

"Thanks." He replies and Phil must have gone back to his book because Dan could hear Phil's comments. He loved those comments. Though he knows he has never read the book from Phil's descriptions of the main character, Dan could picture him (Phil had called the main character; rude, selfish, and a prick all within three minutes).

From then, things were awkward. Things that were said to the wall were no longer said. Phil's words of self-doubt never entered Dan's ears and Dan's late night crying sprees never were picked up on. It became silent other than Phil's comments about book characters or Dan's video ideas. It became a wall for trivial ideas instead of the important ones, Phil adds that to the list of reasons Dan must hate him, he broke down the wall. Of course, the obscene part of the wall didn't stop. They could still hear it and their little game played on. They had come to the conclusion that Phil was quieter during and Dan was the master sneaking. They had silently established that at some point.

Another night had come around. Dan was in bed, trying to fall asleep without Phil's quiet mumbles surrounding his head. He had grown semi used to the silence now, though it didn't mean he enjoyed it. All the sudden, Dan hears sobs. His heart breaks. No matter how platonic Dan and Phil are, hearing Phil cry always broke Dan's heart. It didn't happen often. Dan had only witnessed Phil cry less than fifty times in seven years. He never cried at night, why was his crying now. Dan could pick up words such as failure and hate. Though Dan had hated breaking the wall, it seemed like a time to use it because after nights of silence Phil is crying and Dan cannot stand that. Dan knocks on the wall lightly.

"Philly, you good?" His voice was just above a whisper and worry with a sense of calm lifted over Phil's sobs.

"C-Can you come in here?" The request surprised Dan. Never once have they needed to comfort each other in the middle of the night. They had silently made that rule up too. But Dan quickly gets up out of bed, not bothering to throw on a shirt and knocks on Phil's closed door. "Come in."

Dan walks in. The lights were all on, Phil was grasping the covers tightly. His set up for filming was still there. All set up and Dan slowly goes and sits on Phil's bed. Phil starts to cry again. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?"

"I-I…" His words did not escape his mouth, only loud sobs and whines.

"Phil, c'mon I know it's late. But I'm worried." Dan scoots closer, sitting next to Phil and bringing him into his arms.

"Why are you friends with me?" Dan starts to rub Phil's hair and silently laughs.

"What?" Phil shrugs.

"Why are you friends with me? I'm such an awful person. I screw everything up and I break things and-" Dan stops rubbing Phil's hair and puts his hands on Phil's cheeks. Dan stares right into Phil's bloodshot blue eyes.

"You are definitely not an awful person, Phil. You are so nice and creative. You might break things here or there and might eat all my cereal, but not everyone is perfect and you know who made me realize that? You. You have helped me through so much and I don't know how you'll interpret this but I love you, mate." And no matter how many times they had said those words to each other, this was the first time they really meant it.  "You might not be perfect in social standards or in my book. But I don't like perfect people anyway. They're boring. You are wonderful. Everyone loves you from the moment they meet you. You are funny, compassionate, and smell really nice." Phil's blushes and the tears don't stop flowing. Dan lets go of Phil's cheeks, but continues to look at him. "There is no reason to doubt yourself, Phil. You're called AmazingPhil for a reason."

"You're just saying that. I-I haven't done anything. I'm really just a disaster." Phil shakes his head, breaking the eye contact between him and Dan.

"What has gotten into you tonight? Where's my Phil that makes sassy remarks at awful main characters?" Phil continues to sob. "Phil?" Phil shakes his head, his breathing had gotten heavier. "You're scaring me." Phil starts to hyperventilate. "Phil, you are not a screw-up. I love you for whoever you are and I always will. Nothing you do can possibly make me mad at you. I don't care that you broke the wall or you all or nothing during every Dan vs. Phil." Phil's crying doesn't stop. "Okay, okay. Breathe with me, alright? In and out. In for four, hold for six, out for eight." Phil shakily tries to breathe slower. Dan starts to rub Phil's arm. "That's it, yeah?"

"D-Dan… I-I'm sorry for being such a bad friend." Phil says once his breathing has calmed down. He is gripping the sheets tightly. Dan is still rubbing Phil's arm.

"Phil Lester, what are you on about?" Phil rubs his eyes.

"I'm making this all about myself. Tell me about how you're feeling." Dan stops rubbing Phil's arm.

"You are always taking care of other people. Let me take of you. It's no burden." Phil looks back at Dan.

"Okay." Phil leans against his headboard. "The wall is officially broken."

"Who cares about the damned wall. Are you okay? Are you thinking of hurting yourself?" Phil remains quiet. "Phil, I need to know. I'm not going to leave until you tell me."

"What if I don't want you to leave?" Dan's eyebrows knit together. "It's late, the wall is broken, and I'm sad. Can we cuddle?"

"Cuddle?" They have barely done anything like that. The extend to comforting one another was reassuring touches on the arm and warm hugs. But cuddling was never a thing between the two.

"Yeah, I'm emotionally distraught right now." Dan realizes that even though he has witnessed Phil cry before, he never witnessed Phil being purely sad. Dan also realizes that he hates Phil being sad. His blue eyes were red, especially because he kept rubbing them, hair in a disheveled mess, a huge frown on his face and slumped shoulders. He looked miserable.

So, Dan scoots over next to Phil and Phil places his head on Dan's shoulder. This was okay, Dan rationalized, this is familiar. Phil places his arms around Dan's neck and Dan puts his head lightly on top of Phil's. "Don't leave me here alone tonight. I'm scared of myself." Dan definitely knew what that feels like, so he nods. He couldn't leave Phil this shaken up. He would stay here as long as Phil needed, that's what flatmates do.

"Of course. Do you want to try and sleep?" Phil shrugs. Dan moves his head off of Phil's and Phil detaches himself from Dan's warm embrace and lies down. Dan pulls the blanket up over him and gets up to turn off the lights before going back to his spot on the bed. "Good night, Philly."

"Thanks for caring for me, Danny. I really do love having you in my life." Phil grabs Dan's hand, which makes Dan freeze. This was uncharted territory. They had never held hands before.

"Have sweet dreams." Dan takes his hand out of Phil's grasp, starting to get up.

"Where are going?" Dan looks at Phil's dark, sleepy figure.

"Back to my room. I'm tired too." Phil pouts.

"I thought you were going to stay with me tonight." Phil says, vulnerability in his voice.

"Well you are going to sleep, so I just thought-" Dan starts.

"Well you thought wrong. Come back here and lie with me till tomorrow." Dan warily goes back to the bed and lies on top of the sheets. "You can make yourself comfortable, you know." Dan nods and slowly gets under the covers. He can feel Phil's body heat next to him. Phil reaches over and pulls Dan closer to him.

Dan had no choice but to lie his head on Phil's chest. He felt mildly uncomfortable, especially since Phil has never discussed any homosexual feelings. He had stated clearly to Dan that he likes girls. So why was Phil insisting that they slept like most couples slept in bed. Why were Phil's arms around his waist? Dan's acts of comfort were acts that Dan and Phil had established were fine. Though cuddling and hand holding was on a different spectrum. Dan figured he would just bring it up tomorrow morning. He closes his eyes and tries to sleep. He listens to Phil's mellow breathing pattern with the accompaniment of a beating heart. Dan soon finds it lulling him to sleep.

Phil wakes up confused. The events from the previous night not coming to him right away and seeing Dan sleeping on his chest worries him. Then he realizes that he initiated the cuddling and the hand holding and the sleeping in the same bed. That he crossed the line, broke down another wall. Dan had never asked him to cuddle him at times of need. This was just another reason to hate himself. He just ruined the best friendship he ever acquired. Dan soon starts to stir and he opens his eyes soon after. He looks up with big, sleep filled, dopey eyes. Unconsciously, Dan nuzzles his face into Phil's chest to make himself comfortable. Obviously Dan was planning on going back to sleep, though Phil didn't know if he could sit here and wait while there was a huge elephant in the room.

Phil gently shakes Dan awake, who mumbles out some incoherent nonsense. "I'm sorry for waking you, sleeping beauty, but we really need to talk. If you get off my chest, I can start the coffee and we can chat." Phil says, rubbing Dan's arm.

"Mmm okay." Phil lifts Dan's head off his chest and proceeds to exit the room giving Dan time to wake up.

Dan soon leaves Phil's room to go into his own to get a shirt before going to the kitchen. He sees Phil there, he looks deep in thought and Dan starts to worry. Phil notices Dan's presence and gives his a curt nod. "Phil, about last night, I-"

"I forced you into it, it's okay." Phil hands Dan his coffee, made just how Dan likes it. Phil knew him all too well.

"I didn't want to stay, I was going to leave once you fell asleep, but you pulled me close and there was no escaping." The small cuddle session gave Dan insight to what being in a relationship with Phil is like. He is sweet and gentle, though he needs support. He is a really nice cuddler. It seemed even with how close they were, Dan still had his space. He made Dan coffee in the morning and would probably make him breakfast too if they really had the effort to make anything but a bowl of cereal. Dan would do anything for a loving relationship like that.

"Did I mess everything up between us?" Dan shakes his head.

"Of course not." Phil nods, releasing a sigh of relief.

"I'm really sorry." Dan takes a sip of coffee.

"It's fine."

"No it isn't. I, without consent, came into your personal space a-and I did something we had never done before. I don't know what came over me. I guess I just miss having a girlfriend." Dan nods. It was only a few months ago that Phil broke up with a longtime girlfriend.

"Have you ever thought about being with a guy?" Phil almost does a spit take.

"What?"

"I'm not asking for me. Just in general, b-because you have always told me you are straight but you didn't have a second thought about cuddling me, a guy, last night." Phil shakes his head.

"It was an act of delusion last night. I like girls, definitely." Dan takes another sip of his coffee.   

"Maybe you're bi."

"Can we please drop the sexuality talk?" Phil urges.

"Jeez, okay. I thought that topic was fine to talk about."

"It is, fuck Dan. I didn't mean to say it wasn't. But I'm straight and I'm sorry if last night triggered you or something but I'm not into you." Dan scoffs.

"Just because I'm gay you think that I'm attracted to every man I see? I can't believe you, Phil. I thought you were better than that." Dan says, placing his coffee cup on the table and walking away.

"Fuck Dan, that's not what I mean. God damn it. Dan, please come back." And just like that, the wall was broken down.

It was a week into the silent treatment when Phil started to really worry. The past week had been torture. He would hear Dan cry loudly, not even trying to conceal it, in the middle of the night.  Dan would tell Phil to shut up and be quiet when Phil was making comments about the book he was reading. Then all the sudden, there was no crying, no outbursts, no trying to be discreet but failing moaning, nothing. Just silence and a faint tune that he could only recognize as a Radiohead song. Phil closes his book and makes his way to knock on Dan's door.

"Dan, I'm sorry, can we talk? I know it's late, but we really need to talk."

"Go away." Phil lets out a sigh of relief.

"Fine. I get it. I was being somewhat homophobic or offensive and I'm really sorry. I-I just miss my flatmate." Phil says, he could feel another panic attack coming on, it was bubbling in the pit of his stomach.

"I just don't understand why you would think I would just fall in love with you like that because of one cuddling event. Phil, I love you but not in that way. Not now at least. I'm sorry for pushing the sexuality talk on you, I should have kept it to myself." Dan states through the door.

"Can I come in now and hug you?"

"Yeah, I guess." Phil opens the door. Dan was on the floor, sprawled out, with a bare torso and sweatpants hanging dangerously low with his phone on his chest, blaring Radiohead.

"Am I interrupting something?" Dan shakes his head. "Oh okay. Can I be forgiven now?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to play Mario Kart or something?" Dan laughs.

"It's the middle of the night."

"So that's a no to movie night… or morning, I guess."

"Definitely. It's just a little late." Dan says.

"I love this song." Phil comments.

"Me too." Phil sits down on Dan's bed. "Do you want to listen to Radiohead with me?"

"Sounds great." Phil lies down and Dan turns up the volume.

Phil looks at Dan, he looked nice with the angle Phil was lying in. His eyes were opened, staring at the ceiling, mouth mouthing the words, and Phil admired his side profile. In the most platonic way, Phil thought Dan looked beautiful. Then Dan props himself up on one arm to steal a glance at Phil. Phil was wearing a loose t-shirt and pajama pants. His glasses were propped on his nose and he looked so tired and peaceful.

"I was scared I was going to lose you forever." Phil admits.

"You mean too much to me. I'm couldn't just throw you away."

"Well I could throw you away as you are just living trash by now." Phil's sleepy voice states.

"Oh shut up." Dan lies back down, before he knows it he hears steady breathing almost in time with the song playing. Phil had fallen asleep in his bed. Dan pauses the song and stands up. He didn't have the heart to wake Phil up, so he tries to get Phil underneath the duvet, though fails and leaves him on top of the sheets and Dan decides that he too needs to sleep and gets under the covers on the other side of the bed. He soon falls asleep with the Phil's smell wafting into his nose.

Phil wakes up on Dan's bed, glasses still on, and something on his forehead. He tiredly puts his hand to his forehead and takes off the post it note that was on his head. **Dan, 10:36: Hey Phillip, I woke up before you. I'm making coffee and pancakes. Come and we can again 'talk.'** Phil gets up and heads to the kitchen. He finds Dan there, flipping the last pancake.

"Hey sleepyhead." Phil felt weird, seeing and hearing Dan say that. Seeing Dan make him breakfast after a late night. Everything seemed normal yet weird at the same time. It seemed off. Though in the Howell-Lester flat, making breakfast was a small feat, this seemed like more and Phil was unsure of the sudden change in attitude.

"Hi."

"Coffee's on the table and here are the pancakes. Can you bring in the syrup, please?" Dan says, bringing the pancakes to the table.

"Yeah, yeah." Phil says, doing as told and sitting at the table with Dan. "What's the occasion? We barely ever have pancakes anymore."

"Mending our friendship, because I wanted to, whatever excuse you want to make up." Phil watches Dan eat a couple bites before eating his own.

"So good. Thanks, Daniel." Dan shakes his head.

"No problem, Phillip." Phil contemplates what to say next.

"Does this feel different to you?" Dan looks at him.

"Hm?"

"I mean this whole thing, I don't know. We went to bed pretty late last night, I might still be half asleep."

"No, I get you. It does seem different." In reality, Dan has been feeling that for such a long time that the difference in attitude seemed normal. He started to feel like that after the first time they cuddled. The night about a week ago. Phil's panic attack.

"How did you know you were gay?" Phil asks. Dan looks down at his food.

"Dunno, just felt right I guess."

"I-I think I might be bi. I think you were right."

"Really? Who's the lucky boy that made you change your mind?" Dan asks, innocently. He hoped Phil would say him. He really did because that's the only explanation for the weird feeling in his heart.

"You did, actually. I've been thinking about it a lot. I-I don't know though, those feelings might be bogus." Dan smiles.

"I doubt it's bogus. The heart wants what the heart wants. Don't deny it. There is nothing wrong with loving boys and girls." Phil realizes it now. The sheer fact that Dan has made him change his whole outlook on his sexuality from just being there for him and being absolutely perfect.

"Have I told you recently that I think you are great?" Dan blushes.

"Thanks."

The wall began to be rebuilt over the next couple weeks. They didn't talk about Phil's feelings, they kept them hidden. Dan had told Phil how he needed some time. No matter how much he wanted to kiss Phil every minute. Phil started reading his book and making comments. Dan started to read out his video ideas. The quiet midnight thoughts were listened to and the little game continued. The little game had been played a lot, especially now that the two had feeling for each other. Dan would think of Phil and Phil would think of Dan. They never talked about it.

There was one night. Dan was thinking of Phil. Oh was he thinking of Phil. Earlier that day, Phil had gone out and came back with new clothing and some groceries. He showed Dan how he had bought this tighter shirt that he was unsure he was going to keep or not. Dan couldn't stop thinking about how hot Phil looked. In the process, he gotten himself worked up and started the game. Though Phil couldn't get himself up. He sat there listening to Dan's averagely loud moans and though he started to get hard, he couldn't get up. Didn't want to get up. He let his mind wander, imagining scenarios that involved those dirty moans and couldn't help but let one out himself, which only made Dan moan louder. Phil smirks. He liked the response and started a new little game. Dan came first, though wouldn't stop moaning just to keep Phil, who he knew was listening, some material. Phil soon comes and he could hear Phil's jagged breaths. It was not talked about.

Dan was lying on the couch, fully sprawled out, reading a book, the book that Phil read (the one with the rude, selfish, and a prick of a main character) when Phil comes in. They had played the new little game a total of three more times. Nether would say they hated it and they would both admit it was better than the old game. "That's it, I've had enough." Phil says, going over to Dan. "I can't pretend that you haven't been causing sexual frustration and I need to hear it again."

"What?" Dan says. They hadn't even kissed, though Phil was asking him to moan for him.

"You know."

"Do I now?"

"I want to play the game." CRASH! BOOM! Phil had broken the wall once again.

"I'm not practically horny right now, Phil. Come back later."

"Ugh." Dan puts down his book and looks at Phil. He was wearing that tight shirt and sweatpants and his hair was in his normal fringe.

Dan sits up and kisses Phil, square on the lips. Phil's reaction was hesitant, but worth it. Phil's kisses were exactly how Dan would have picture them. They were gentle, sweet, and pure just like him and had strong taste of coffee and something else Dan couldn't place.

"This is my first kiss with a boy." Phil says in between kisses.

"I'm aware."

"I never want this to stop." Dan laughs.

"It doesn't have to."

The wall is never built back up as they have resorted to one bed where those thoughts are shared next to each other. Every so often, when the two needed their private time video ideas would be shared through the cracked wall or sassy remarks to character's dialogue. The wall provided a safe space of things never to be brought up but really midnight conversations should never be shared. They are filled with delusion and sleepiness. Though the broken wall helped Phil through panic attacks, Dan through extensional crisis, and made two individuals fall in love in more ways than one. The wall might be a little cracked. It might need to be built back up every once in a while, but it stands tall never once fully breaking down.


End file.
